


new normalcy

by postboxinheaven



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining, bbh is kind of an idiot, i finally wrote something short, kyungsoo is my favorite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 21:44:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14923371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/postboxinheaven/pseuds/postboxinheaven
Summary: from bouts of false reality to this state of new normalcy(aka Baekhyun runs and runs - despite knowing that no matter how hard he tries, this is something he can never escape.)





	new normalcy

“So, I’ll call you?”

Baekhyun freezes, one hand on the door knob as he forces a smile onto his face. Turning back, he grins at Jongin.

“Yeah,” Baekhyun nods before turning the handle to open the door to his apartment. He slips inside without a glance back. There’s no need for him to see the excited look on Jongin’s face. He already knows it’s there.

It almost makes him feel a little guilty, but then again, it was only one blind date. Baekhyun might have an awkward run in with him here and there, but he doesn’t really care. Jongin would move on, and meet another guy. Someone who is hot like himself and belongs in next season’s Louis Vuitton catalogue. Someone who is not Baekhyun, because Baekhyun is in love with someone else and will probably always be.

“How did it go?” Baekhyun hears the loud and obnoxious voice of his roommate holler from the kitchen. He really doesn’t want to have this conversation right now. Especially with Jongdae.

Baekhyun kicks off his shoes and shuffles into the kitchen instead of his room. He doesn’t want to curl up under the covers only to have to get up again at the sound of Jongdae’s loud and obnoxious knocking. Everything about Jongdae is loud and obnoxious.

Honestly, there’s really nothing to like about him. Baekhyun is just stupid.

“It was alright, I guess,” Baekhyun mumbles, leaning on the island where Jongdae is throwing random chopped ingredients into a bowl. At Baekhyun’s unenthusiastic tone, he immediately stops what he’s doing to shoot him a judgmental look.

“Alright?” Jongdae groans. “Just alright? We set you up with a young, successful, charismatic, and runway worthy man and it was just _alright_?”

“I mean he was cute,” Baekhyun shrugs, idly tapping his fingers on the counter. “Just not my type.”

“You say that about every single guy any of us introduce you to, Baek,” Jongdae sighs in frustration, resuming his salad making and now throwing the ingredients into his bowl with added force. “You rejected Oh Sehun. Do you know how hard it was for Minseok to set that up?”

“Well, I didn’t ask him to,” Baekhyun rolls his eyes, tone matching Jongdae’s frustrated one. “How many times do I have to ask you guys to stop trying to set me up with people?”

“Baekhyun we just want you to be happy.” Jongdae scales back a little and softens his voice.

“I’m fine okay?” Baekhyun smiles slightly in attempt to reassure his best friend. “Just because you guys are all in gross PDA infested relationships doesn’t mean I need to be in one too, okay? Just back off for now. All of you.”

It’s a blatant lie, because Baekhyun isn’t fine and he really does want to be in a gross PDA infested relationship. Sadly, the person he wants to do it with is his very much taken best friend and roommate.

The look on Jongdae’s face shows that he knows how much BS Baekhyun is spewing. Living with his best friend who he is also in love with is turning out to be more and more of a lose-lose situation with each day that goes on.

He really needs to move out.

-

“So I think I’m going to move out. Do you know anyone looking for a place?”

Baekhyun picks at the salad Jongdae made him for lunch as he sits across a very shocked Junmyeon. The salad has too many leaves, and each bite is making him hungrier. He didn’t even know that was possible. Zero out of five stars.

“Don’t you think that’s a rash decision?” Junmyeon raises his eyebrows before taking a large bite of his lasagna. It looks delicious. Maybe he should get the recipe so he can give it to Jongdae to make as redemption for this salad.

Before he moves out, of course.

“I’ve given it a lot of thought, actually,” Baekhyun defends himself. He thought about it for at least five hours last night in bed. That’s a lot of time.

Junmyeon’s eyebrows rise even higher.

“Okay fine, I didn’t,” Baekhyun concedes, dejectedly stabbing a piece of lettuce with his plastic fork. “But I really want to.”

Junmyeon seems to finally realize that Baekhyun is being serious. “Is it getting that hard?” he frowns.

“It’s not any different than before,” Baekhyun shrugs looking up at Junmyeon’s concerned face. “I don’t know, Jun. I’m just so tired. I feel like I’m always on the edge of my seat, and I don’t even know what for. I know being lovesick isn’t a real thing, but I swear to god my stomach churns every time I see Jongdae’s face. He’s my best friend. It’s not supposed to be like this.”

“You’re not wrong,” Junmyeon comforts him. “Getting some distance can only help. Have you told him?”

Baekhyun hasn’t really thought about that part. A big part of him was wishing he could just pack up his measly belongings into some boxes and slip out of the apartment in the middle of the night.

“I’ll talk to him tonight,” Baekhyun sighs, nodding with conviction. “Do you also happen to know anyone who’s looking for a roommate?”

“Actually yeah. He’s pretty cute too,” Junmyeon winks. Baekhyun rolls his eyes and chuckles at that. His heart was taken, but his eyes wouldn’t mind some eye candy. “Now finish your damn salad so we can get back to work before Kris yells at you. Those proposals aren’t going to write themselves.”

Baekhyun starts to shovel tasteless salad into his mouth, wondering how he’s going to break the news to Jongdae. As he thinks about it more, his frown deepens.

This probably isn’t going to go well.

-

“You’re what?” Jongdae shrieks, dropping his fork into the apology spaghetti Baekhyun cooked for dinner.

“I’m moving out. In other news, you should maybe find a new salad recipe I think?” Baekhyun squeaks, staring intently at his food. He grabs his glass of wine and takes a big gulp out of it.

“What do you mean, you’re moving out?” Jongdae screeches even louder this time. Baekhyun looks up to see the hurt in his best friend’s eyes.

“I’ve been meaning to move somewhere closer to the office for a while now,” Baekhyun explains, trying his best to sound honest. It wasn’t completely false. He’s been bearing with the forty-minute commute to work for almost three years now, and all just for being close to Jongdae. It was all fine until Jongdae started dating some hot musician named Yixing and coming home to their apartment didn’t feel as good anymore. “Don’t worry, Junmyeon knows someone that can take my room. Adorable boy named Zitao. He comes with rave reviews, and probably won’t complain about your salads!”

Jongdae is silent for a few moments as he studies Baekhyun’s face intensely. Baekhyun is about to ask him to stop being a creep, but Jongdae breaks his silence.

“You’re not telling me something, Baekhyun. I’m not an idiot,” Jongdae breathes out. His voice is shaky, and Baekhyun can see his eyes getting glassy. It breaks his heart into a million little pieces. “You haven’t been telling me something for a while, and I can’t figure out what it is.”

“There’s nothing,” Baekhyun lies through his teeth. He wonders if he should explain more, but that would probably just make this messier. He’s never been a good liar.

Jongdae opens his mouth to say something, but thinks better of it. With a sigh, he picks up his fork and begins to eat again. The rest of the meal continues in silence, with neither of them making an effort to clear the air.

When Jongdae finishes his meal, he stands up without a word. Baekhyun closes his eyes and tries to breathe evenly as he hears the sound of Jongdae rinsing his plate and then walking into his bedroom to quietly shut the door behind him.

When he opens his eyes, a feeling of dread fills his system as he realizes he’s left with nothing but his messy feelings and a bottle of wine.

Shoving another forkful of pasta into his mouth, he wonders how much worse things can get before they got better.

-

Baekhyun groans, lying his head on his desk. Everything hurts, and his stomach is turning. He hasn’t been this hungover since Junmyeon’s bachelor party a year ago.

“Was it a liquid courage type thing, or a drown your sorrows type thing?” Junmyeon asks him, rubbing a comforting hand on his back.

“Drown my sorrows,” Baekhyun whines, trying to sit back up to look at the budget proposal on his screen that has to be done by the end of the day.

“You look awful,” Baekhyun hears Kris whistle from behind him. He wonders how much trouble he would get in if he chucked his stapler at his boss’ head.

“Thanks, it means a lot,” Baekhyun scowls back. He swivels his chair around to face his boss. “What do you want?”

“Send me a draft of your proposal and take the rest of the day off,” Kris bemuses, assessing Baekhyun’s face with slight sympathy. “I’ll finish it for you. Just focus on preparing for your big move.”

“You told him didn’t you,” Baekhyun accuses Junmyeon with a flail. Too much movement. Bad idea.

“You walked in to the office looking like road kill, of course I told him,” Junmyeon admonishes, rubbing his head affectionately.

“Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have to tell him everything. He’s my boss, okay?” Baekhyun pouts, shooting an angry glare at Kris, who doesn’t really deserve it.

“I’m also one of your best friends, so shut the hell up and go home, okay?” Kris dismisses before turning on a heel and walking away.

“The new place should be ready in two days, if you want to move soon,” Junmyeon fills him in. “Your roommate is pretty chill, so if you need help moving anything just text the number I gave you.”

“Okay,” Baekhyun mumbles, putting his things away for the day.

He doesn’t have much stuff to pack up, and honestly could be ready by tomorrow even. It seems a little fast, but ever since the thought of moving out entered his brain, he realized that he couldn’t get out fast enough.

As he sits on the train back home, his brain runs away in thought. Things with Jongdae haven’t been the same for almost three years. When Baekhyun _really_ came to terms with his feelings, walls went up around him without him even realizing it. At first, Jongdae would ask what’s wrong, but before long, he started to give up and move on, accepting their relationship for what it had evolved into. They hadn’t acted like best friends in a while. Honestly, Baekhyun is a little surprised that Jongdae so shocked that he wants to move out.

He feels guilty for not being honest. For leaving Jongdae guessing like that. Maybe he’s a coward- No. He is a coward. And that’s even more of a reason for him to leave. After spending his whole life attached at the hip with Jongdae, he never really grew on his own. Being honest about his feelings with Jongdae was so hard, because how was he supposed to figure out what to do without talking to his best friend first?

When Jongdae started dating Yixing, Baekhyun finally realized how deep he was. Not only in his feelings, but even in the way he was living day to day. His entire world revolved around Jongdae, and with each day that passed, the thought became more and more frightening.

Finally reaching home, Baekhyun unlocks the apartment in a daze, only to be startled out of it when he walks into the kitchen to see Jongdae tapping away at his laptop on the island. At the sound of Baekhyun entering, he looks up in surprise.

“What are you doing home so early?” Jongdae asks, looking concerned. Baekhyun doesn’t want to see it.

“Just wasn’t feeling well, I think I’m just going to sleep it off,” Baekhyun chuckles, grabbing the water filter out of the fridge to pour himself a tall glass.

“I saw the empty wine bottle this morning,” Jongdae mentions off handedly. Baekhyun’s hand freezes a little before the goes back to pouring. “Are you seriously not going to talk to me?”

Baekhyun doesn’t say anything. Instead he drains the cup and moves to pour himself another. Jongdae stands up and walks over, yanking the filter out of his hand, forcing Baekhyun to face him with a hand on his wrist.

“You know, we’ve been best friends for almost twenty years,” Jongdae murmurs, eyes piercing as he looks straight into Baekhyun’s. “But it’s been a really long time since you’ve acted like it. I’m asking for an explanation because I deserve one, Baekhyun.”

“I can’t give you one,” Baekhyun stammers, trying to keep his breathing even. They’re so close and all he wants to do is burrow himself in Jongdae’s arms, seeking the comfort he’s been craving in the years since he’s pulled away. “I need some time, Jongdae. Some space.”

Baekhyun pulls away and walks towards his room.

“What are you hiding from?” Jongdae whispers at him from behind him, loud enough for him to hear. Baekhyun pauses for a second before entering his room and shutting the door behind himself, answering Jongdae’s question only in his head.

_From you, Jongdae. I’m hiding from you._

-

The final three days of Baekhyun’s time in their shared apartment pass by in an icy silence. Jongdae is angry, that much is obvious, but there’s more to it. Baekhyun can tell that he’s also sad and lost. It makes him feel guilty, but he doesn’t know what to do about it.

Confession.

It’s something he should do. He’s seen countless movies where the main character spits out their gross feelings before walking out ‘for good’, only to have their romantic interest chase after them to tell them _no, don’t leave. I’ve loved you all along too._

Except that kind of stuff only works in fiction. When you have someone to chase after you. The reality is that Baekhyun will hand his heart to a Jongdae who has no idea what to do. How would he? Baekhyun is the one with the feelings and even _he_ doesn’t’ know what’s going on.

Jongdae has an adorable, attractive and caring Yixing. He also has a bunch of other drama-free friends that would make him just as happy as Baekhyun does. In fact, without the stress of Baekhyun’s moodiness in his life, Jongdae would probably be even happier.

 _Honestly, good riddance._ It’s something Baekhyun would say to Jongdae if anyone else was doing this. If it wasn’t Baekhyun himself that’s leaving him.

He fits his life into three boxes, leaving all the furniture behind for Zitao. They fit into his car easily, and he leaves without a word. Leaving behind his former home, and leaving behind the guilt and awkwardness that has contaminated his friendship with Jongdae for far too long.

His new building is a lot nicer than his old one. Baekhyun makes more money than he knows what to do with in his swanky marketing job. He’s had enough money to level up for a while, but only just worked up the nerve to leave his feelings for Jongdae behind.

Pulling out his phone, he dials the number Junmyeon gave him. He’s texted his new roommate a few times to figure out logistics, but they’ve never actually met or spoken. Hopefully this would go well.

“Uh hey, Kyungsoo?” Baekhyun greets into the phone. “I’m downstairs.”

“Be right there,” a deep voice comes through the line before it cuts. Baekhyun waits in the parking lot. A few minutes later, a small man comes strolling out of the building with a shopping cart in tow. “Baekhyun?” he asks as he comes closer. Junmyeon was right, the man is indeed cute.

“That’s me!” Baekhyun exclaims in greeting, holding his hand out. Kyungsoo’s grip is firm and assertive. Baekhyun never thought he could be so intimidated by someone the same size as him. “Where’d you get that?” he gestures at the shopping cart.

“Stole it,” Kyungsoo shrugs, smirk decorating his face. Kyungsoo helps Baekhyun load up the cart, lifting even the heaviest box as if it weighed as much as a feather. In no time, they’re heading inside, and Baekhyun is getting closer and closer to what feels like liberation.

In the elevator, they run into a tall man with wild curly hair and a giant grin on his face.

“Hey, it’s my favorite little penguin!” the man exclaims at the sight of them, pressing the button for the 11th floor without them even asking.

“Do you want to die?” Kyungsoo deadpans, sending a particularly withering glare at the man. It’s official. Baekhyun is scared of his roommate.

But at least he doesn’t want to make out with him - and honestly, that’s all that matters.

-

Life goes on uneventfully for the next two weeks. Kyungsoo is much less scary that he had initially assumed, enjoying movie marathons and binging on pizza without leaving the house. It’s the same kind of stuff Baekhyun used to do with Jongdae before they grew apart. It’s nice, not being dragged out to bars against his will every weekend, only to watch Jongdae grind up on someone that isn’t him.

Their friends haven’t been speaking to him, likely waging a cold war on Baekhyun. Baekhyun was too busy being in love with Jongdae to become better friends with the rest of the group. Their alliance falls with Jongdae over him, and it makes sense. If he were them, he wouldn’t talk to himself either.

Everything is fine. Baekhyun forces himself to forget a little more every single day. It isn’t until he get’s an unfortunate message that things come crashing down.

_Did the move go okay?_

It’s a normal message. Obviously Jongdae would want to know. It’s been two weeks, probably the longest they’ve ever gone without talking to each other. This message means Jongdae is throwing the white flag up. Ending the war. Baekhyun isn’t ready for that, though.

He knows he should respond. But he doesn’t.

-

“Okay, get your pathetic ass off the couch. It’s time for some obligatory social interaction,” Kyungsoo pokes at him a few weekends later. Baekhyun is lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling. His phone is hiding under his pillow in his room, where the missed calls and unread texts from his friends hide right along with it.

“Social interaction? Sounds fake. Not interested,” Baekhyun deadpans, yelping a little when Kyungsoo pokes him with more force.

“I made you lasagna yesterday, so you’re coming out today. End of story,” Kyungsoo commands, dragging him up by the arm. “Now go put on some ass-hugging pants and a low cut V-neck. If boys aren’t thirsting after you the minute you walk into the club, I’m canceling movie night.”

Baekhyun gasps in mock horror. “Junmyeon put you up to this, didn’t he?”

“Of course he did,” Kyungsoo confirms, pushing Baekhyun towards his room. “But I also think we should go outside. It’ll be good for you and your broken heart.”

“I’m fine, Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun argues as his roommate begins to shuffle through his closet, pulling out an all black ensemble that is sure to achieve Kyungsoo’s goal. He hasn’t dressed like that since college, but there doesn’t seem to be much room for agreement here.

“Don’t lie to my face,” Kyungsoo deadpans with a glare. “My friends will be here in half an hour, don’t look like trash when you meet them.”

He manages to whip his hair into shape before the doorbell rings and opens the door at Kyungsoo’s request, only to reveal his worst nightmare.

“Um, hi,” Baekhyun chokes out at the sight of the two tall men in front of him. “Jongin, Sehun, nice to see you again?”

Baekhyun swings the door open and gestures for them to enter, scrutinizing their faces to luckily find bemused expressions.

“Nice to see that you’re…” Sehun starts. “Alive.”

“Either you changed your number, or you really didn’t want me to call you after all,” Jongin jokes, chuckling under his breath at the sight of Baekhyun’s face turning red.

“Hey guys,” Kyungsoo emerges from his room, styled to perfection. “What’s so funny?”

“This is Baekhyun, the infamous ghost,” Sehun explains, triggering an expression of understanding to appear on Kyungsoo’s face.

“Interesting. This is also Baekhyun, my lovesick roommate,” Kyungsoo introduces in response.

“You know, this is all making a lot of sense now,” Jongin contemplates, looking at Baekhyun in a new light.

“Why date me when you could date each other?” Baekhyun tries to joke at the two boys with a sheepish shrug. Except he’s not really joking because they look way too hot next to each other not to be dating.

“I’ve been saying this for _years_ and no one listens to me,” Kyungsoo huffs, taking a seat on the couch to lace up his shoes.

The two just laugh, but Baekhyun feels like there’s something more. It’s in the way they look at each other. It reminds him of the way he looks at Jongdae.

“Are we waiting for anyone else?” Baekhyun asks, walking over to the closet to get his jacket.

  
“Yeah, Chanyeol is late as usual,” Kyungsoo frowns. Baekhyun feels bad for the earful this Chanyeol guy is going to get when he walks in.

Which he does two seconds later, as if on cue.

“SORRY.” It’s the man from the elevator with the big smile. “I had to calm Toben down, he kept barking when I left.”

“I’m telling you man, that dog is too attached to you. He needs to make some friends,” Sehun lectures him with wide eyes.

“Yeah, well I tried that with Vivi and it didn’t work out too well, did it?” Chanyeol glowers. “Your dog tried to fight mine.”

“They’re dogs, Chanyeol. It’s called _playing_.”  Sehun sighs exasperatedly, giving up on the conversation.

“Alright, if you guys are done fighting about your dogs,” Kyungsoo interrupts the argument. “Let’s get the hell out of here and start drinking.”

After only twenty minutes at the first bar they go to, Baekhyun is already having way more fun than he usually does when he’s out. It’s probably the lack of his friends groping each other and running away to make out against walls. With Kyungsoo and his Super Tall Friends, it’s all drinking games and debauchery.

Until Baekhyun takes that shot that tips him over the edge.

And suddenly it’s not so fun anymore as he cries into Jongin’s shirt and wails about lost love and friendship. Because he misses Jongdae so bad, but he’s not ready to be around him. Because all he ever wants to do is hold Jongdae close, and it’s not fair because who the hell is Yixing anyways and why is he so hot?

When Baekhyun’s every other word becomes a swear word, Kyungsoo decides it’s time to wrap it up for the night, dragging a stumbling Baekhyun home and tucking him into bed.

He wakes up the next morning to the throbbing in his head that reminds him why he doesn’t drink too much anymore. Grabbing at the side table for his phone, he opens it to find 14 missed calls from none other than Jongdae.

What on earth did he do last night?

Ignoring the calls, he goes straight to messages to find a slew of texts.

 

_Baekhyun, are you okay?_

_Are you safe?_

_Baekhyun where are you, you’re scaring me._

_Please answer me._

_What did I do wrong? Why won’t you talk to me?_

Baekhyun squeezes his eyes shut, his hangover headache quickly turning into a stress headache.

He quickly types out a nondescript response.

 

_I’m fine, don’t worry about me._

 

Leaving it at that, he gets up to go about his Sunday. For the rest of the day he pretends not to check his phone.

Because he’s definitely not hoping for a response that never comes.

-

The work days get longer and longer as Autumn continues. Entering their busiest season keeps Baekhyun’s thoughts off of his self inflicted suffering. He has enough work to get him through weeks and weeks of overtime, staying at the office late almost every night.

It isn’t until one night, when he gets the most unexpected phone call, that he’s finally pulled out of the office before 9PM.

“Minseok?” Baekhyun greets into the phone as soon as he picks it up. “What’s wrong?”

“Jongdae’s going to call you soon,” Minseok sighs into the phone, sounding tired. “I’m going to go back on my promise to him that I would stay out of it. You need to stop being an asshole for one night and pick up his phone call, okay? Please, Baekhyun.”

And that’s how he knows it’s happening. It’s one of his worst fears because if Jongdae is really single again, every single bit of hope he shouldn’t have will come crashing back into him.

The call comes ten minutes later, while Baekhyun is pacing in the lobby of his office building, waiting.

  
“Baekhyun, you answered.” Jongdae’s voice is oh-so broken, and the jagged edges of it cut into Baekhyun’s heart. “Please come home, Baekhyun. I need you.”

And he feels like he’s falling and falling as he shuts his eyes and lets the fear consume him whole. Trying to grasp a hold of himself, of reality, he opens his eyes wide.

In seconds, he’s running.

-

The passcode is the same – a combination of Jongdae’s and his birthdays. Jongdae crumbles into his arms the minute the door opens, and Baekhyun just holds him close. It’s everything he wants, but in all the wrong ways.

Jongdae’s tears are soaking into his shirt and he won’t _say_ anything. He simply cries his heart out and Baekhyun lets him do it in silence.

It takes half an hour for Jongdae to calm down and speak.

“I broke up with him,” Jongdae finally confesses. “It doesn’t seem like it, but I was the one who did it.”

Baekhyun doesn’t say anything, because he’s too busy trying to calm his own heart. _This isn’t about you, Baekhyun,_ he tells himself.

“Yixing said he was waiting for me to do it. He knew it was coming. But he wouldn’t tell me why,” Jongdae continues.

“You don’t know why?” Baekhyun asks, daring to speak at last.

Jongdae doesn’t answer for a few moments.

“I think I’m starting to figure it out,” Jongdae whispers as Baekhyun strokes his hair comfortingly. “Slowly.”

Baekhyun doesn’t ask for details. If Jongdae wanted to share them, he would on his own.

He feels like a bad friend, for being so caught up in himself yet again. But it’s been a long time since he has been a good friend, and he doesn’t know how to be better anymore.

Jongdae doesn’t seem to think anything of it, likely just happy that he has Baekhyun back. Even if for only a little bit.

“Tuck me in?” Jongdae asks, as his eyelids droop closed. Baekhyun tugs him up and leads him to his bed, ready to tuck Jongdae in. His best friend seems to have other plans, when he drags Baekhyun into bed alongside him. “Don’t leave me alone. Not tonight.”

And he can’t argue with that. It’s one of the reasons why he left in the first place. Saying no to Jongdae isn’t something he can do very easily.

So he holds Jongdae in his arms for the rest of the night. The self-serving part of him pretends that Jongdae isn’t sniffling to himself with swollen eyes and a tear-streaked face. That Baekhyun finally has everything he wants.

The other part reminds himself over and over again - _you can’t have this._

Baekhyun doesn’t let Jongdae notice the tears that slip from his own eyes.

-

Things go back to normal after that night. Meaning the uncomfortable silence between them that Baekhyun has made normal. November is busy as always, so it’s nothing out of the ordinary. Other than the fact that he no longer has Jongdae to remind him to bring his scarf out the door when the temperature starts to drop.

Jongdae had asked him, early in the morning, before Baekhyun walked out for the second time. _How long do you need?_

He didn’t have an answer then. He still doesn’t. He doesn’t know what he’s looking for anymore.

When the holidays are come around and Kris and Junmyeon are dragging him out of the office on time every day – against his will. Without work to distract him, he’s reminded yet again, that he’s at a loss for what to do.

Getting over Jongdae is slowly seeming like an unattainable goal. He never imagined that Jongdae breaking up with Yixing would make things even _harder_ , but it did. His hope intensifies and his heart wants even more than it did before.

He can’t go much longer without Jongdae. Sooner or later, he’ll have to go crawling back, begging for forgiveness and explaining himself.

Confessing.

Maybe that’s what he needs to do. Get his heart broken, completely, before he can rebuild it from scratch. Jongdae might even help him do it. After all, what are best friends for?

Dragging himself home, he opens the door to an odd silence. Kyungsoo’s shoes are gone, but another unfamiliar pair are in their place. Could it be-

“You’re home,” Jongdae calls from the kitchen. He’s cooking, with a smile on his face. Baekhyun stares at him smiling and mulling around the kitchen. Suddenly, it feels like the last five months have been erased.

“What are you doing here?” Baekhyun asks tentatively, toeing his shoes off and hanging up his jacket before he goes to sit on a barstool at the island across from Jongdae.

“Cooking us dinner.” Jongdae doesn’t elaborate. He simply continues to cook. They continue in silence, and surprisingly it’s not tense. Baekhyun feels more at ease around Jongdae than he has in years, and he has no idea what’s changed.

It’s no time at all before they’re sitting at the tiny table made for two with plates in front of them and a bottle of wine in-between. It takes Baekhyun back to the memory of the last time they did this. Months ago, when Baekhyun decided to leave.

At first bite, Baekhyun groans in bliss. It’s delicious, as Jongdae’s recipes tend to be. Except that salad of course. That was a bad salad.

Jongdae must notice the frown on Baekhyun’s face.

“You’re thinking about that damn salad again, aren’t you?” Jongdae deadpans, trying to fight the smile that’s threating his lips in order to maintain a stoic expression.

“It was so bad,” Baekhyun quips, a genuine smile appearing on his face at last. The sight of it makes Jongdae beam with happiness.

Something is in the air and Baekhyun wants to know exactly what.

“Jongdae, why are you here?” Baekhyun asks again, looking at Jongdae intently. His best friend puts down his spoon and looks up to meet Baekhyun’s gaze.

“I finally figured it out. I figured everything out,” Jongdae starts.

“What exactly is everything?” Baekhyun prompts, eyebrows furrowing.

“Why I broke up with Yixing, for starters,” Jongdae explains. Baekhyun’s heart jumps into his throat. “Why things became the way they are.”

Jongdae pauses, and Baekhyun is literally on the edge of his seat.

“Why you left.”

_Jongdae knows._

Baekhyun’s eyes go wide and he _needs to get out of here._ Jongdae sees the panic in his eyes and gets up, walking the two steps around the small dining table to lean down next to Baekhyun.

“Listen to me, Baekhyun.” Jongdae raises his hand to rest over Baekhyun’s where it’s clasped tightly over his knee. Jongdae’s fingers slot easily into the spaces between his own. “I hope you know that you’re an idiot for leaving me like that. For never telling me.”

“I’m sorry. I know you don’t-”

“Shut up, and let me finish,” Jongdae cuts him off, squeezing his hand in warning. Baekhyun shuts his mouth instantly.

“You should have told me you loved me. You know why, Baekhyun? Because after I thought about it for hours and hours, and I finally figured out why I broke up with Yixing. I imagined you saying it in my head, and I knew. If you had just _told_ me, I would have realized it all at once. I would have fallen so hard and never looked back, because I always loved you. I just didn’t know it soon enough.”

“Jongdae-”

“You broke my heart when you left, and I didn’t know why it tore me apart. I cried so much more after you left than I did after the break up. Of all the people in this world to be afraid of, why did it have to be me? You should have known that out of everyone, I would always love you the most.”

There are tears falling from both of their eyes now, and Baekhyun doesn’t know whether to smile or break down into ugly sobs.

“Look at me saving your ass yet again. I guess you won’t have to confess after all,” Jongdae smiles at him leaning his head against Baekhyun’s arm, and tightening his grip on Baekhyun’s hand.

“I love you,” Baekhyun croaks out, finally saying the words that have been tormenting him for years now. It’s barley above a whisper, but Jongdae hears him clearly.

And that’s all that matters.

-

Things never really go back to normal after that, and Baekhyun couldn’t be happier about it.

They spend dinners reminiscing the carelessness of their childhoods. They go back home and remember one by one, the moments where they must have fallen in love with each other without realizing it. At the comic book store where they avoiding opening their report cards. At the park where they got drunk for the first time. Behind the bleachers where they caught Minseok making out with someone. Back when Baekhyun had wondered what it would feel like to be standing in Minseok’s place, with Jongdae across from him.

It was the first time he thought about Jongdae as more than a friend, and it was one of the scariest moments of his life.

So he drags Jongdae over and pulls him in, because after all, he’s wanted to know what it would feel like since he was in high school. They make out under the bleachers like lovesick teenagers, and Baekhyun falls harder. He falls and falls and vows to love Jongdae with everything he’s got for the rest of his life.

The more he thinks about it, he realizes there’s no beginning to his feelings for Jongdae. Their friendship was never just a friendship. They were made for each other from the very start. He tells Jongdae this one day as they walk up the streets in search for a restaurant after a long day of work. Jongdae chuckles at his theories, too hungry to think about what Baekhyun is saying. So he rambles on, mostly to himself, about how this is all destiny. How Jongdae is his destiny.

Nighttime is Baekhyun’s favorite. When he has Jongdae curled up in his arms, ready to doze off to sleep. It’s comfortable and wholesome and it’s the kind of stuff dreams are made out of. It keeps him awake at night, because he no longer has to doze off to sleep so that he can dream about having Jongdae as his own.

Baekhyun knows that Jongdae is happy and loved in his arms. He knows that he finally has everything he wants.

And he reminds himself over and over again – _Jongdae is his, forever._  

**Author's Note:**

> title comes from the poem new normalcy by victor thorn!
> 
> i was really bored so i wrote this sappy disgusting story. i've had a goal of writing something under 10k for some time now, so i finally did it and it felt really nice to not agonize over a story for weeks at a time! 
> 
> i've been watching too many dramas lately and i guess that's why i wrote this angsty hot mess.


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